Hail Dupa!


Hail Dupa!

Strangeness. The Polish President’s presidential car exploding…the ramifications behind ”Dupa-gate” wherein  graffiti in a school toilet punning the President’s name – Andrzej Duda with Andrej Dupa meant that a graphology expert was brought in to find the perpetrator. Of course, Poles reading this will know that Dupa means ‘asshole’… Then the government announced it was going to fell one-third of a protected forest owing to an invasion of European Spruce bark beetles… Strangeness, but ah, just another week in the Land of Po, with Lech Walesa wailing in the background, proclaiming over and over how he was never a Communist agent, much like an dementia patient sitting on a bus and repeatedly shouting out his favorite brand of toothpaste.

While there are many who are bamboozled by the foaming-at-the-mouth-frenzy engulfing the country over school graffiti, excusing the culprit, saying how easy it is to mistake the name ‘Duda’ for the epithet, ‘Duda’ – sorry, sorry, I meant ‘Dupa’ – I don’t buy it. No way. And we can’t let these things pass.

Like the majority of you reading this, I’m angry. Foaming-at-the-mouth. At the very least, I want the culprit’s testicles hanging from a stick. Not literally of course, because who knows, it could have been a female and leaving aside the minimal, yet plausible chance that the author of Andrzej Dupa may have been dyslexic, I think we should make an example of the fiend – extra homework for a whole year plus a month’s latrine duty we’ll see how scrubbing shit with an eyeliner brush reduces the bastard’s hostility to our glorious President.

I don’t think Poland’s liberals, those transgendering hippies and Jews who roam the newspaper I work for here understand the damage being done to the country’s prestige on the international arena. The German columnist Schmetterling, from the renowned Suddeutsche Spunkblatt recently wrote;

Unlike every other journalist and columnist, the author of Andrzej Dupa has expressed their thoughts on the President in a succinct and concise manner, leaving the door open to an important question: should the dupas of Poland (their number are legion) take exception to being unfairly associated with Andrzej Duda?

You see? Bloody Germans, laughing up their sleeves at the Poles. Don’t worry. I know a thing or two about Schmetterling – he cuts his toenails and keeps them in a small box from which periodically inhales when depressed. Asshole.

While you mull that over for a bit, let me give you an insight into the mood at the de Burca household – my PRACTICAL SILESIAN WIFE is noticing a marked change in the various Polish internet and radio portals. They are, she tells me…different. Troika for example. Yesterday, she tuned to this usually unbiased and factual radio station, hoping for the news. Instead she got a documentary on a man who was sad because he never met Pope John Paul. She thought there was a mistake with the frequency tuner and somehow Troika had swapped places with the ultra religious, homo-hating, Jew-reviling Radio Maryja. So we tuned in there to see if we could find Troika – no, it was Radio Maryja, at their usual setting and doing a live commentary of a mass, followed by some music – a five hour recording of nuns crying. Apparently the poor Brides of Jesus were distraught at the news of President Dupa’s – sorry – President Duda’s near brush with death when the front wheel of his car exploded…

Pulling ourselves away from the Troika/Radio Maryja festival of fun, my PSW and I sat in deep contemplation of this near-fatal automotive calamity. Ball-bearings worn down by consistent speeding of a heavy vehicle – this is the official explanation. Poppycock! I don’t buy it and I doubt the Polish Minister for Defence, Antoni Macierewicz is falling for such liberal trash propaganda either. You may remember his recent press conference at the school of Social and Cultural Media in Torun? Yes? It’s where he was having his ear nibbled by Father Tadeusz Rydzyk, while hinting how Smolensk 2010 may have been a terrorist attack. Macierewicz convinced me. There’s something about his dead-eyed zombie stare which makes my mind acquiesce and…believe…the truth is out there.

And who among us doesn’t believe that Dupa’s car wasn’t targeted by European Spruce bark beetles in the employ of Vlad the Impaler Putin? Weren’t they also responsible for the Ayrton Senna death? With this in mind, the government’s solution to firebomb the Bialowieza forest is a justified and logical response to the insect insurgents. If we don’t stop them now, then no car-owning Pole will be safe from their six-legged chicanery. I for one, am feeling a whole lot safer now that this government is tackling the hard issues the majority of Poles voted them into power for. Pollution, unemployment, excessive foreign investment – these can wait – destroying the beetle and graffiti axis of evil is paramount.

Hail Dupa!

Categories: Humorous, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , | Leave a comment

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