I don’t know about you, but I’ve got a good feeling about these Law and Justice dudes currently running Poland. God knows I had my doubts for the last few weeks, but I dare anyone not to have doubts about their existence whenever Macierewicz stares back at you through a television camera. My initial sense of dread and fear has been replaced with a wholesome sense of submission and wow, I’m convinced! I’ve seen how they operate. Nato, the Judiciary, the Constitution – they get things done. How many political parties work so hard? And every time they’re doing something, it’s always late at night. No job it tough enough, no rule is big enough and I’m more than happy to hitch my star to their wagon.
So relax. Things are going to be okay. Trust me. When you analyse exactly where Law and Justice are coming from, it’s obvious they have Poland’s best interests at heart. So all you homos and Jews and terminal disease patients dying without dignity; just chill ’cause this is what you can expect in 2016:
1 – An incremental relaxing of homophobia over the coming months culminating in the long-expected and very public romance between President Duda and Jaro ‘The Fist’ Kaczynski. Surprised? Not me. Even those of us outside Warsaw’s political elite couldn’t ignore the smouldering sexual chemistry between the two. Like all vibrant, physical relationships, there’s a lot of mirroring going on – they dress alike, use the same lip gloss and it’s been noted how they use the exact same words, very often in equivalent sentence structures.Typical behaviour then when intimate men get oily and wrestle with each other. Expect Gay Marriage and Zoophilia to be legal by this time next year.
2 – The good people of Law and Justice are true believers of the Saviour Jesus Christ and this is why you’ll see a lot of Yeshua-influenced policies coming our way – ‘love they neighbour as thyself’ will pave the way towards a gradual thawing of relations with the dreaded Bear – yes, Poland will be rushing into the arms of Russia. Revenge is off the menu and will be replaced by a large helping of Turn The Other Cheek. White Russian cocktails will replace Mashlanka as Poland’s drink of choice, Cossack-dancing will be compulsory in all Police Stations and Aeroflot will open new routes between Bialystock and Moscow. Also in accordance with the man Jesus teaching his followers to adhere strictly to Jewish law, there will be a gradual increase of Shuls, Temples and tax credits for all circumcised Poles who have seen the film ‘Ida’ or read any Talmudic literature such as Gazeta Wyborcza.
3 – In keeping with the much-publicised ambition for producing a Polish feature film along the lines of a Hollywood blockbuster, Culture Minister Piotr Glinski is currently seeking a director for the 3000 page script of ‘Even Crazier Than We Are’. The film is set to focus primarily on the various breakaway groups from Law and Justice – Poland Plus, Poland Plus One, Poland Comes First, Poland Comes In Your Face, United Poland and Every Single Redneck In Poland Joined At The Hip – describing how these ultra right, right, right wing factions of the party were defeated by Kaczynski in an epic ten day bake-off.
4 – Law and Justice have won a lot of goodwill through their progressive social reforms, so expect them to supplement their early retirement and child benefit packages with new measures aimed at increasing the national life expectancy; miners will be given comprehensive and free access to glow-in-the-dark pornography, while any Polish national who has come into contact with the Department of Revenue will be sent to Amsterdam for a two week vacation. Queuing will be abolished, as will parking metres and henceforth will be replaced by Twister-mats. Inhabitants of Sosonowiec and Zamosc will automatically be entitled to free muscle relaxants, while pregnant women, except those fertilized by Korwin-Mikke, will be eligible for a servant for the duration of the pregnancy with members of the clergy taking on this role.
So take the guns out of your mouths! It’s going to be a good year and even if it isn’t, we’re all going to lose a shit-load of weight just wondering what these crazy bastards are going to do next.