I was paying for the shopping in Tesco and when I opened my wallet, a condom fell out on the checkout counter. It lay there in full view, the vacuum-wrapped blue foil glistening under the harsh, fluorescent strip-lighting. For a brief moment, I felt like a time-traveller, purchasing my shopping with futuristic currency – I’m sorry, all I have is this 500 Credit latex coin…
There were about ten people in the queue behind me; women and children mostly and some old man who blessed himself – all his huffing and puffing, you’d think I’d just injected a syringe of Mexican heroin in my eye. The poor old fart probably hadn’t left his house since the Pope was shot and was now regretting the trip to Tesco for his prune juice enema. I looked at his panic-stricken, crumpled face which showed all the signs of a man in full cardiac-arrest. He was starting to turn blue until someone gave him a Padre Pio flavoured lollipop and whispered the third secret of Fatima in his ear.
But I was genuinely embarrassed for the checkout lady. God knows what was going through her mind – is this man offering to pay for his food with sex? Is that condom ribbed? Jesus! He uses ribbed!
Like all Polish checkout-ladies, she was middle-aged, weary and unused to having condoms thrown at her while working. And although it was an accident, I have to come clean and admit that condom or no condom, at that moment, I was genuinely aroused. I was excited and I’m not going to apologise for it.
Men are hardwired to react to certain stimuli, so don’t think that I’m going to negate millions of years of evolution and morph into a eunuch just so we can live with the illusion that I’m a ‘good husband’. I’m a man and women effect me. The women who effect me the most are Polish women. Regardless of age, or physicality, Polish women are walking, talking sex bombs. Everything about them is sexy – even their names. Polish women have only two names; Ola and Gosia. Ola is just another way of saying, WOW – THAT WAS THE BEST EVER, while Gosia sounds like a really cool holiday destination, a coastal, Japanese nudist colony –we went to Gosia for two weeks and had great time, did some wind-surfing and got back- massages from these cute baby dolphins. Olaaaaa, Gosiaaaa!
In Ireland we have beautiful, sexy women too, but we also have Emers. Emer is an Irish female name, but more than that, it’s a disposition. I dated a few Emers. They were all primary school teachers and their voices were the aural equivalent of a diesel lawnmower – Nnnnnnnnnn! I’m EEEEEEEEEEMMEEERRRR – Nnnnnnnnn!
And this is when they’re sober. Drunk? You want to know what a drunk Emer’s voice sounds like, go and push a piano out a tenth floor window and listen to the noise slamming off the pavement. While you’re at it, push a few Emers out as well. Voices, you see, are very important to men. Women don’t know this. You spend heaps of money on creams and make-up, ignoring what could be your strongest asset. A nice voice can have the same impact on a man as pert breasts or a firm ass.
Polish women’s accents are disgustingly sexy, very much like a pot of hot chocolate melting and moaning on the stove. And this was why I was so excited in Tesco – the checkout lady’s voice. It was orgasmic, undulating, mysterious, and always with the same question;
Do you have a Tescooooo Club Caaaaaard?
And I always pretend not to hear just so she’ll say it again –
Do you have a Tescoooo Club Caaaaard? My legs go all wobbly, a stupid grin appears on my face and I answer;
Maybe I do, maybe I don’t, why don’t you find out for yourself… Olaaaaa…
Next time you’re in Tesco’s look where the condoms are located. They’re right there as you’re paying for your food. They know…they know how excited men get when they hear the checkout-lady’s voice and those condoms are there…just in case.