Last week I said it was more likely for a Polish woman in her forties to be attacked by a bear than find a husband. Well, I’ve tried online dating and I was wrong. It is more likely that a single Polish woman in her thirties will be attacked by a one legged giraffe than find a husband. Ok, let’s get straight into this – I went online as two people: my male persona was a 35 year old man, an architect called, ‘Tom’. I gave Tom a bullshit profile full of clichés (‘I like long walks in the rain…’) Tom was wealthy and he wanted to ‘provide for his woman’. Within 6 hours, and without a photo, he had 482 Polish women visiting his profile and an inbox full of offers with some wanting to meet him straight away without getting to know him.
The female; she was an independent Polish woman who we will call ‘Ania’. She worked for herself, had a postgraduate degree and supplied an attractive photo. For Ania, I used a real profile from a friend of mine. It was witty, intelligent and down to earth, with no clichés or corny mottoes. No one went near her. No one.
I won’t tell you the name of the site, but it should be called, ‘Welcome to the World of Desperate Women’. After 3 days Tom had thousands of visitors and hundreds of offers. The women who contacted him were highly educated and attractive with the majority of them being in their thirties.
‘Tom’ contacted several women and told them he would not phone, but would text and would they mind if I didn’t pay for dinner? Most women had no problem for this. They had no problem with a clichéd, stingy man with no manners. I would love someone to tell me why Polish women have such low expectations?
There is nothing as attractive as a real-life, chance meeting with a powerful, confident woman who has a highly developed sense of self. But on these sites, women’s power is reduced. They are not women any more but products, disposable not after a year or a few months but after 10 minutes. My overwhelming feeling from using the site as Tom, was that I was shopping, the women like items on a supermarket shelf begging for my attention. Romance? Somehow I don’t think romance and algorithms go hand in hand. Smart, attractive women, but online they are presented in such a way to make any toothless buffoon feel like he’s a Sultan picking from his harem.
I made Ania 32 years old, but she might as well have been 102 for all the attention she got. While her photo was very attractive, I think the mistake was that her profile said she likes to get passionate… about books. Are Polish men intimidated by smart women? While there are well-educated women online, very few use their intelligence to market themselves. Most preferred to market themselves as receptacles for sex. Who wants to meet Mr. Right, when you can meet Mr. Wrong’s penis?
An important result of my research was understanding why women go online. Well, it’s addictive. If you meet someone and the chemistry isn’t right after one hour than there is always another message in your inbox. Disappointments are reduced to five minutes intervals before the next ‘wink’ or a ‘nudge’ gives you a minor thrill. Second and most important, is the sense of empowerment. It’s only online that Polish women can make the first move on a man, something Polish society won’t let them do in reality.
What I noticed about the women who contacted Tom was that it gave them an opportunity to adopt a sex kitten persona and talk in a way people don’t in real life. The problem with this sex angle is that it attracts men who want one thing from the site – sex.
Thanks to the internet dating, access to free sex has never been easier. Judging from the offers Tom was getting, a single man would have to get up earlier in the morning in order to fit in all sex. If you are a man who has the personality of frozen shirt but is mildly literate, then internet dating is for you. Even if you can’t write, then you can always copy and paste someone else’s profile. I’ll sell you Tom’s if you want.
And it’s so easy to bend the truth. Some people are so desperate that they lie about themselves even if their photos say otherwise.
But the real thing I hate about online dating is how all the magic and spontaneity of meeting someone accidentally and finding out by chance how much you have in common is replaced by calculation. It is a symptom of a bigger malaise in a country where women are made inferior thus they lack confidence and are easy prey for those who wish to profit. But at least there is the occasional success story. Tom may be stingy and clichéd but lucky for Ania he was the one man online who was more interested in intelligence than sex and after their first date, they got married, a Skype wedding online.